Today is my father’s yahrzeit. He has been dead seven years today. I lit a candle this morning, but I didn’t have a clue what to say while I did it, so I just stayed silent.
I have been really emotionally down all day. Yesterday was my first day back at work after the winter break, and although it went well, it also wiped me out. We haven’t been able to go to shul since last month because of an ongoing dental issue that finally got resolved last Friday (I broke a molar; don’t ask). I was in a lot of physical pain this past month or so, not to mention the ongoing feelings of guilt that I haven’t been at shul regularly.
So I am not exactly in the best of shape to remember and mourn my father today.
He would have been proud of me for my conversion, I think. I wish he’d lived long enough to see it.
He was a deeply religious man. I hope someday to be a little like him in terms of my certainty that God won’t punish me for the life I’ve lived. We’ll see.
I just needed to mention that it’s his yahrzeit today.
Wrestling With God 
Hugs
My husband’s yahrzeit is this coming Sunday. He has been gone 2 years. My boyfriend is Jewish and since I have been living as a Jewish woman for over a year now I too will be lighting a candle in his honor.
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