15 Elul and Change

BlogElul 2015

Hoo, boy. Can I talk about change for a little bit here? Or a lot bit, here? Because, you know, I haven’t had any experience with change at all. Nope. None. Nuh-uh. No change here. No change at all.

All right, so now that we’ve dispensed with the formalities (where I must always deny change because change is freaking SCARY), we can move on.

I am autistic. Change is frightening for me at the best of times. And yet I still went through some pretty enormous changes in this past week. I went through the beit din and immersed in the mikveh. I became a Jew – that’s a change if there ever was one.

It’s odd. I was longing for the changes, but mostly I was longing to be done with them so I wouldn’t be scared waiting for them anymore.

Judaism has changed me. It has made me more tolerant and less irritable. It has made me more aware and less closed-in. But it’s also made me both happier and somehow less so, at the same time, for different reasons.

I don’t have much to say about this tonight because I’m exhausted, but tomorrow, when I write about prayer, I may touch on change again – because praying is a change for me, too.

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